


Brave

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [15]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Caring, F/M, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-30
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-11 03:11:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2051373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanji has a great deal to overcome, quite aside from titans trying to kill her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brave

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: this deals with the aftermath of sexual assault and the healing process, as well as Hanji experiencing triggers to do with this event. There are no flashbacks and there is no description of the assault whatsoever.
> 
> Written from personal experience. It is so hard to remember that the only thing we were complicit in was being there, and that not everyone is out to hurt us. Here's to our survival, our strength. My heart and soul is with everyone who has similar experiences. You are so incredibly brave.

Isabel is the first one to notice it, and the men will later say that it says something about them that they didn’t spot it. They’ll make excuses for it, when they think about it later, that it was easy to write off the twitches and flinches as little quirks of Hanji, and will include the verbal tics, the hisses of breath and the occasional about face in that as well. Isabel takes one look at Hanji as she startles back from Levi appearing an inch behind her, and takes her aside, where Erwin notices the nerdy girl is crying, Izzy’s arm around her shoulder as she glares fiery death at Levi, who backs away warily to give Farlan a look which can only really be interpreted as ‘girls, right?’ It seems unusual, but unusual is fairly standard for Hanji, so no one thinks twice about it, except that the science enthusiast is now rarely seen without Isabel by her side, and Izzy refuses to let her spar with any of the boys, snarling at any of them who try it. And there are a few, Hanji is attractive, for all her quirks of behaviour, and any number of men would be happy for her to put them in their place at her feet, but Hanji just gives them a blank face when they try to bypass Isabel and ask her directly, and the boys walk away, puzzled at the lack of reaction.

The two of them wind closer throughout the time they spend as cadets, swapping bunks, which gives Hanji the bunk in the back corner, at the top, away from the others, which she seems to enjoy, if her chatter at night can be believed. She’s constantly analysing titans, and Erwin believes she’ll make a great strategist one day, if she doesn’t cut them all open first to see what’s inside. She has her quirks, but she works well when paired with Isabel, who will nudge her with an elbow and make her giggle.  
Erwin doesn’t believe in favouritism, doesn’t let his recruits choose who they work with, and so when he orders Hanji to work with Levi, he’s surprised when the other man speaks up.  
“I’ll swap and work with Farlan, Hanji and Izzy can spar together.” Levi says, plainly, and it’s very clear that, despite the polite tone, it’s not a request.  
“In the field, you all need to know how to work as a cohesive unit,” Erwin sighs, “Not just as best girlfriends.”  
Isabel steps forward, and her smile is sweet like strychnine and twice as deadly.  
“Trust me, _sir_ ,” she says, managing to make the honorific sound like an insult, “If there’s a situation where I’m separated from Hanji, one of us is already dead.”

Levi is the one to tell Hanji, to make Isabel’s bed for the last time as he talks to the girl who lies on the top bunk, uncharacteristically quiet.  
“Did you... need anything?” he asks, and hears the quiet sob from above him, but no answer. He leaves, making sure to make lots of noise outside the door, but it can’t drown out the sounds of Hanji screaming, a howl of grief which is unending and heart-wrenching. He doesn’t go back inside the barracks to comfort her though; they’re soldiers, it’s the unspoken code. If someone doesn’t want you to know that they are crying, you pretend you didn’t see or hear anything. Unless they come to you for help, you ignore them, because you owe each other that much respect, at least. Besides, Levi has his own grieving to do, and he’s not comfortable enough with the strange girl who befriended his Izzy to cry in front of her. He’s got a lot of blame and guilt to wallow through, and he doesn’t yet know if she’ll help him with that, or just be another burden he doesn’t need.

Isabel left notes, though, and when Levi reads some of them, his fists clench, his stomach rolls and his lips shake from the effort of keeping the curses silent. This time it is he who moves into the bunk below Hanji, and he sleeps with one eye open, knowing that otherwise, she would be doing the same. He’s never needed much sleep anyway, and Hanji is already so tired, so thin, so worn-looking that he doesn’t begrudge her the dark circles which build up under his eyes. They spar together, and if Erwin doesn’t like it, he doesn’t call them on it, knowing that Levi’s not above attacking his Captain in full view of the rest of the squad, if it comes to it. One afternoon, though, Levi’s hand slips, and he lands a punch which Hanji didn’t see coming, didn’t expect, and the next thing Erwin knows, he’s got a widening circle of soldiers with Levi snarling at them, and Hanji curled into a ball against the wall, shaking and silent. The silence worries him more than anything, used to washouts who cry and scream and wail, but the silence is... unsettling. Not for the first time, he wishes there were more women in the corps, because he is not equipped to deal with this.  
“Dismissed.” he says, and all but Levi and Hanji filter away, casting looks over their shoulders , “What the hell happened, Levi?”  
Levi looks at him, and his shoulders and jaw are set, but he doesn’t speak.  
“I asked you a question, soldier.”  
That’s a risky game Erwin’s playing, and he knows it; they’ve had the odd dalliance here and there, and Levi has made it very clear that the second Erwin dehumanises him, he’s gone. But instead, Hanji looks up, eyes watering, her whole body shaking.  
“I made an error, sir.” she says, and Erwin doesn’t have the heart to say anything else. He leaves the two of them to sort this out, and walks away.  
That night, Levi and Hanji sleep curled together in the top bunk, Levi closest to the door, keeping her safe behind him.

Mike’s a great squad leader, everyone says, even Levi, who didn’t have the most auspicious meeting with him, but there’s something about him which just doesn’t seem to sit right when Erwin watches him work his squad. Hanji is... withdrawn is the only word for it, because broken isn’t fair, and wounded would be inaccurate. Levi keeps a close eye on her, but he’s busy keeping himself up to standard, and it’s hard to find the time to pull Hanji along too. Erwin watches the girl flinch as Mike puts a hand on her shoulder, and remembers that Levi said it wasn’t his secret to tell. For someone who is known as a brilliant strategist, it’s taken him an embarrassingly long time to figure this out, and even longer for him to decide that it’s any of his business.  
“Mike, a word?” he calls across the training grounds, and watches Hanji flinch again. No shouting, he makes a note, as Mike cross the pace between them. He lowers his voice, “I think maybe you need to stop touching Hanji so much.”  
To his surprise, instead of reacting with a roll of his eyes, Mike... goes pink.  
“It’s that obvious?” he says in a small voice, and Erwin sighs. Something else he hadn’t noticed, and he bets Levi had, so he’s going to get an earful later on tonight, if Hanji is okay to be left alone for a couple of hours.  
“I just think she doesn’t really like it. Maybe just talk to her?” It sounds weak, and Mike looks downcast, then angry.  
“It’s alright for you to say.” Mike says, through gritted teeth, “You get – ”  
“You’ll regret finishing that sentence.” Erwin says, and Mike snaps his mouth shut, turns back to training.

“Hanji says thanks.” Levi says later that night, when they’re trading lazy kisses in Erwin’s bed, “You did well.”  
“I should have realised.” Erwin says, quietly, “When did you work it out?”  
“Izzy. After she... yeah.” Levi replies, equally softly, “It just wasn’t something I would have thought about. It’s stupid. We’re stupid.”  
“Ever wanted to maybe open the gates and let all the titans in?” Erwin contemplates.  
“She’d like that.” Levi says, and rolls into his lover’s arms, “But we’ll do the best we can for now.”  
Erwin wonders if their best, if any man’s best, would ever be enough.

Hanji regains her voice when they get to go outside again, chattering on about how she hopes she sees abnormal, and how she’d love the chance to study the effect titan blood has on plants. Levi smiles, but tunes her out, letting her rabbit on and be happy for once. When it comes to the things she is passionate about, Hanji is capable of forgoing all her fears, and the excitement radiates off her. When Mike rides up alongside her, she goes mute again, and keeps her focus on the horizon.  
“Excited by the thought of seeing titans?” Mike tries, but it’s no good. Levi shakes his head and Mike takes the hint, moving on to the head of the caravan.  
“Why does he do that?” Hanji whispers, her voice slow and low compared to her excited chatter, “Why does he want to talk to me?”  
Levi almost stops his horse at that. Is it possible she doesn’t know, or is it just sheer panic which convinces her?  
“Well, he’s... interested.” he tries, and it’s a huge gamble. Hanji’s face goes pink, though, instead of the usual white, and though her hand is shaking when she reaches out to grab his, her grip is sure and solid when Levi curls his fingers around hers, “What do you think of him?”  
Hanji shrugs, and her gaze goes unfocussed for a moment, smile dropping.  
“He seems fine. But they all do, right up until the moment they don’t anymore.”  
“I think he’s alright.” Levi says, and knows his word doesn’t mean anything.

Mike takes the chance to take Levi aside after that, and ask what to do.  
“If you sort of... chaperone us, would that make it easier for her?” he asks, and Levi has to smile in the face of Mike trying so hard to do the right thing. He’s not actually sure there is a right answer here, but he’s impressed that Mike is trying, and trying without upsetting Hanji. He makes an effort to sit Mike nearer to Hanji during mealtimes, and Mike will pass one item when she asks for it, hands carefully on the other side of the bowl so as not to touch. After a few months, Levi can skip a meal and know he’ll walk in late to Mike and Hanji sat together, one empty place setting between them, talking carefully about the weather, how difficult it is to keep their gear up to spec, and who they think will get promoted first out of Hanji and Levi’s squadmates. Mike’s vote is for Hanji, but hers is for Levi, and not because he’s sucking the commander’s dick, she says, leaning over and smacking Mike on the hand, but because he’s brilliant. Mike freezes when she touches him, and Levi can see Hanji swallow before continuing with the conversation like nothing happened. Mike eventually relaxes and goes back to eating, and Levi decides that maybe skipping lunch could be good for all involved. Hanji seems to be coping perfectly well on her own at the moment.

When Hanji captures her first titan, she squeals with joy, flinging herself at Levi, and when Mike and Erwin meet them at the gate, she doesn’t lose any of that giddiness.  
“I love my Commander.” she says, kissing Erwin on the cheek before she jumps at Mike, who takes a step back before realising it’s okay to touch her, and wrapping her up in a hug, letting her stand on tiptoe to ruffle his hair, “I got one! I’m going to call him Hannibal!”  
With that, to the surprise of everyone, she leans up and kisses Mike, hard and fast, before dancing away to tell everyone else she sees that she’s got her very own titan. Mike looks after her, flummoxed, heart in his mouth.  
“You think she’ll regret that later?” he asks.  
Levi kisses Erwin hello before answering.  
“I think she’s been waiting to do that for a long time.” he says, and decides to let Mike figure out the rest. Once they’ve got this titan – Hannibal, he can hear Hanji’s voice reminding him, despite her now being a tiny figure in the distance – situated, he’s going to have a long, hot bath and let Erwin lay him out and ruin him. It’s been a long day.

Things get easier, with small touches accepted between the four of them, though no one gets as much leeway as Levi. Hanji explained, once, when pressed, that it’s because his size convinces her she could pry him off her if she needed to; but more so that she knows she would never have to. He agrees; he owes Izzy that much, at least. Hanji becomes more like woman she is supposed to be, so it comes of no great surprise one day when Hanji arrives at breakfast with a bruise on her collarbone, defiantly refusing to button her shirt any higher and hide it. Levi smiles at her, and then the whole table laughs as Mike sits down, looking like he got mauled by a tiger in the night, walking oddly but grinning like a man who has seen infinity. Hanji ducks her head, and when she looks up her, eyes are shining, and she has to reassure Levi that they’re happy tears three times, before he sees her hand intertwined with Mike’s, and lets her eat her breakfast in peace. She puts a hand on his knee anyway, and kisses his cheek.  
“Thank for looking out for me.”  
He doesn’t know what to say to that, how to swallow past the lump in his throat, so just turns back to his porridge. To receive her trust after all that has been done to her, after all she has been through – that’s the greatest thing anyone has ever given him.

There are still the bad nights, when Hanji calls Levi out of Erwin’s bed and into her own room, the room she gets now as major, a role Erwin created because it just wouldn’t do to have one of the four of them in the barracks still, and because he respects her authority on all things titan. Plus, Mike might have put his foot down and said he wasn’t having his lover sneaking out of the barracks to his room at night. But on the bad nights, Levi curls around her in her bed, pets her hair and whispers soothing words, and she cries, shakes and screams and sobs, clawing at the sheets and shaking with the intensity of it. They get further apart and fewer, though, and Levi longs for the day when he will no longer need to be there for her. He’ll miss their closeness, but their sniping jibes have become another sort of friendship, one built on total understanding, and a wariness of taking anything too far. But he wants that for Hanji, wants her to be able to spend every night curled up with Mike, wants to let her ruffle his hair every morning, to kiss the top of Erwin’s head at breakfast, and to have the power to make recruits behave on her own, without back up from one of the men. She deserves that, so much, and the closer it comes to reality, the happier he feels for her. There are still the bad nights, but Hanji confesses now that she has hope there one day won’t be, that one day she will be stronger. Levi holds her, and doesn’t tell her that she’s the strongest, bravest person he knows. Between the four of them, they don’t do a bad job trying to keep everyone alive.

“Aren’t you scared of the titans, Major Hanji?” Armin Arlert asks, and Levi sucks in a breath, ready to step in if he has to. Hanji looks at him, then flashes a bright smile towards the kid, the kind she rarely throws around between anyone but the four of them, the old guard as she calls them, “I mean, they’re pretty intimidating.”  
“Who, Sawney and Bean?” she asks, and flips her hair, stepping back from another lunge one of the ugly motherfuckers makes towards her, “No, Arlert, I’m not scared. There are worse things in this world than to die at the hand of a titan.”  
She looks up at Levi, and he can’t help it, blows her a kiss and hears one of the recruits giggle.  
“You propositioning my woman again, shortstuff?” Mike calls from across the training grounds, and Hanji snickers.  
“What do you mean, again?” he shouts back, and grins. Hanji looks at Mike like he’s her whole world – eyes shining and mouth in a wide grin.  
“Maybe one day I’ll give you a tumble.” Hanji says to Levi, leering, and laughs when he splutters, “Maybe I’ll let you get lucky.”  
In that moment, titans behind her and a manic grin on her face, recruits staring at the three of them like they’ve all gone mad, Levi looks at her, and doesn’t think he’s ever seen something so beautiful.  
“Eurgh, girl germs!” he shrieks, and runs, Hanji and Mike hot on his heels, towards Erwin’s office. Tomorrow, there will be forays outside the wall to plan, there will be supply shortages and useless washouts to deal with, but right now? Right now, they’re going to _live_.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I used a Firefly quote. Shh.
> 
> To those with friends, family, partners who have gone through similar experiences, be gentle, be kind, be patient. To heal takes time. It will happen. Just be there for them.


End file.
